Monday, September 10, 2012

For the love of Bun, September 10, 2012

You have been gone for three days, and it hurts as much today as it did the moment your heart stopped beating, as I kissed you and held you, one last time.

I wake up every morning, and remember you are no longer here, and I feel lost.  When you left, you took part of me with you, and I can't figure out how to make a 'whole' with the pieces that are left.

Yesterday I felt insurmountable guilt as I thought of every time I didn't make myself available for you, because I was too busy, preoccupied, or just thought, "later, Bun."  It felt like a horrible burden on my heart, then I was reminded that you were nothing but love, and forgiveness, and would never want me to feel that way, that guilt was a road-block to love, and that in holding onto it, I was making it harder to reach for you, through the love I have for you.

We cry a lot, hold your blanket a lot, and miss you with every breath we take.  Your presence was so large, it's hard not to feel emptiness that you are no longer here.

I would give just about anything to hold you one more time.  To feel your heart beat again.  To see you pounce, or hear you bark.  You had the most beautiful voice.  I will never forget your greetings.  They could soften the most hardened soul.  So full of love and joy.

You were a gift.  I hold that thought every time I feel overcome with grief.  Thank you for choosing me to be your 'mom'.


  1. Ty, I look at your pictures and read about you and my heart hurts that I did not get the priviledge of meeting you.

  2. Beautiful...<3

  3. Your grief is a measure of your love and so, for a while it is bound to feel immeasurable. Eventually the part of him that left will begin to integrate back into the whole of you, and the empty space with fill with something that is bearable. It will holds the spectrum of feelings that he and thee had for each other~ and they will remain with you always, as comfort, healer, friend, deep companion, binder of faith ~ all of the important, loving compassion, that you and he stand for. ~ Meanwhile, your grief, is your pathway to healing, and you ARE entitled to it, for as long as it takes... My best, loving thoughts to you both at this very deep and seemingly dark time ~

  4. Oh Leslie - What a beautiful picture of a beautiful boy! I am sure Ty is in heaven at the bridge playing with my Toby & my Bo & Sadie...He wants you to heal & give your very special & wonderful love to another...Shelties & all dogs are borrowed angels. Ty will always be with you.